Monday, May 31, 2010
Beijing Big Brother went down to Tianjin on Saturday to scrimmage against Speed. Our offense showed much improvement, but man-to-man defense needs work. It's a question of effort and motivation, both of which -- most definitely -- will not be lacking this weekend in Shanghai.
And then at dinner we played caps, to the horror of all the regular laobaixing sitting around us. It was a shitfest -- a video of which will be posted shortly. [Update: video below; and last year's caps-fest here.]
The bus ride back was fun, too, though someone (Hsing-Hui) summed it up best by saying, "I never thought a group of Ultimate players this age would play never-have-I-ever" -- and then proceeded to egg everyone on to continue playing so that she could join in.
No one, unlike times past, peed out the back window. Sad.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Friday, May 28, 2010
it is time.
here is this year's party theme for shanghai, as decided upon by me: LARP
as all of you closeted (or not so closeted, toni tao) nerds out there already know, LARP stands for live action role play. basically, it's a cross between dungeons and dragons and civil war reenactment. our adventuring party will be LOTCR. if you don't know what this stands for, ask joe. he won't let me spell it out for you on the group.
betsy, in her benevolent goodness, has gone ahead and assigned costumes to most of you, along with what key props you will need. candice, hsing-hui, jeff and kevin will be coordinating a trip to the fabric market/tailor this weekend. i haven't bothered to keep track of who made the team and who got banished so if your name isn't on here, it's because betsy doesn't think highly enough of you to bother remembering who you are. half of you still don't even know who i am so what do i care:
matt: S&Meagol key prop: ring, fish
betsy: the invisible girl key prop: invisibility
jim: gay thor key prop: tiny hammer, jean shorts
toni: pink unicorn/centaur key prop: that damn horse costume, painted
pink, plus horn
barbie: vestal virgin key prop: white, riding on tao's back
jeff and kevin: jolly minstrels key prop: jollies
hhh: dark wizard key prop: black
sandy: apothecary key prop: lots of little bottles
joe: horny hobbit key prop: hairy feet
baby girl: gay conan key prop: sword, loin cloth
gareth: gay viking key prop: viking hat, sword
doc: gay wizard key prop: hello kitty wizard robe and
hat, toning down his gayness
chakkkchaidandfnan: drunk friar key prop: shaving his head, jug
brian: historian key prop: quill pen, journal
jehan: the king key prop: crown, robe
candice: the queen key prop: crown, robe
jenn brown: xena, the warrior princess key prop: sword, xena outfit
alicia: torture mistress key prop: whip, leather
caleb: torture victim key prop: gag, rags
therese: wench key prop: cleavage
joel: gay robin hood key prop: green tights, bow and arrow
mike shyu: horny harry potter key prop: glasses, broom, sweater, british
patrick: dungeon master key prop: cape
at the party, we will distribute a bunch of playing cards with spells on them. these spells will have both an activation that the card holder will need to perform in order to use the card, and an effect that will have to be done by the person who the spell is cast on. the spell then gets handed over to the person who the spell was cast on, and they can use the card themselves.
*lightning bolt* activation: shot of beer effect: shot of bai jiu
*fire ball * activation: shot of beer effect: one of those fiery drinks from this weekend.
*slow* activation: ? effect: move in slow motion for five minutes
*animal shape* activation: ? effect: act like an animal of the caster's choice for 5 minutes
*expo yourself* activation: three other spell cards effect: remove one article of clothing
so we need suggestions for more spell cards. i think ten different ones will be a good number.
what needs to happen in the next few days is that the costumes have to be finalized, and a group needs to be gathered to go get everything at the markets. this is going to take some teamwork and coordination. betsy can't handle everything for you. take some initiative.
doc will handle getting the cards made in kunming. but he needs the spells settled upon by the end of this week.
if you don't like your character, and you have a BETTER idea, feel free to change, but let us know asap.
if you have questions, respond all to this email. or contact matt flynn at mabfl...@gmail.combetsy
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Two weeks till Shanghai...
Friday, May 21, 2010
PICTURE OF THE WEEK:
Picture by Dean of CUG Prospectors
GOOGLE GROUPS POST OF THE WEEK:
Before Betsy got quashed by Joe, here's what she had to say:
you remember how hulk hogan turned to the dark side for a while, and was the biggest villain in all of wcw? but then he came back to the good side? well, the same thing happened to betsy for the past couple months. my manager, patrick "million dollar man" li, decided it would be good marketing if i became good betsy for a while.
it turns out that my manager didn't know what he was talking about. good betsy was not a fan favorite. and good betsy had a lot less sex. i hate good betsy.
this week, in honor of my flirtation with professional wrestling, we'll be using everyone's wrestling name.
welcome back evil betsy.
WEEKLY ITEM #1: The Weekly Schedule
seriously? are you still looking to evil betsy for your weekly schedule? you realize i make this crap up more than half the time? ask alicia "the tsetse fly" lui what the schedule is. she should know.
WEEKLY ITEM #2: Upcoming Tournaments
Jun 5-6: Shanghai
July 4-10: Worlds in Prague
evil betsy loves euphemisms. everyone knows what making donuts means. but now it's time for a new one. from this point forward, beijing ultimate will
refer to masturbation as killing a baby.
WEEKLY ITEM #3 Tournament Recap
It was dark days for beijing ultimate. big brother lost the foreigner bracket for the first time ever. hang time lost in quarters. big brother lost not once, but twice to faber college, including in the final. and evil
betsy had to change allegiances and play with doc "the octogenarian" tobin in order to win the tournament. bad times all around.
some particular lowlights:
losing the party award to doc "the octogenarian" tobin. how could we let this happen? half their team doesn't even drink. this cannot be allowed to happen in shanghai.
sandy "the water cougar" wang making a swilly call that forced us to watch joe "the refrigerator" pellicano and mike "the third wheel" chidfhiaofankjdazxck observe their game against tianjin. i haven't seen observing that bad since chris "boehner" boehner watched me have sex with his mom.
shanghai is three weeks away. everyone better commit to getting ready, or else evil betsy is going to do something drastic and move to kunming. then "the octogenarian" will be forced to move back. this will be bad for everyone concerned.
we're going to do something new with the weekly shout outs and call outs. evil betsy will rank them in order from the most shouted out to the most called out. the scale goes from 1000 to negative infinity. here we go:
rie's nipple (1000): a lot people saw you this weekend, and no one who saw you was disappointed.
jeff "the dude" orcut (999): this was without a doubt the best china nationals yet. well done sir. we have just now dispatched a team to your apartment to knock you out and affix your signature to a life time contract as the tournament coordinator for china nationals.
kelly "the black sheep" yang (500): you worked hard of course, but betsy knows you weren't sincere. you're just trying to make everyone like you, so
you lose some points (whereas jeff gave up on people liking him a long time ago).
mike "the baby-maker" shyu (200): despite being one of the tournament directors, you still found the time to make three new babies over the weekend. one of them with evil betsy (points deducted for the utilitarian nature of the sex).
matt "the SMeagol" mueller (150): it turns out your nipple tastes better than i expected. nice touch with the pink dress.
alicia "the tsetse fly" lui (100): would have been higher, because you obviously worked hard this weekend, but betsy didn't see you smile once the whole time. betsy likes her indentured servants to have a positive attitude.
donald "the curmudgeon" debona (50): you had some awesome stories to share about your time in america. too bad no one could hear you.
joe "the refrigerator" pellicano (-50): there will be no shout outs for you until mini hulk returns.
toni "the homosexual tiger" tao (-100): you worked hard putting together the tournament, but that meant we (and by we, i mean "the tsetse fly") had to put up with your presence for a while longer. now the shunning can begin.
jim "the bafflegabber" kirchhoff (-200): you had the chance to make out with not one, but two different women at the party (age differential of the two prospective make out sessions: 23 years) but instead you wound up in your apt spooning with "the triple H". has evil betsy taught you nothing?
lincoln "the bad apple" cheung (-500): we only made out once. have you turned into a mormon or something? remember that time we had sex on kevin "sleazy rider" reitz' bed while "queen therese" watched? what happened to the good times?
gareth "my forty inch vertical almost makes up for my small penis" marshall (-1000): you coached two teams this weekend: the graduates lost in the semis, and big brother lost china nationals for the first time ever. the good news is the los angeles clippers have a job opening and betsy thinks you are just the man for the job.
doc "the octogenarian" tobin (-5000): i thought we made a deal where we would never have to see each other again, and i wouldn't tell anyone about your weird vegetable sex fantasies.
ryan's finger (-10,000): somehow you ended up tao's ass. the mental image that conjures is shudder inducing.
WEEKLY ITEM #4: Weekly Mailbag
i have read your emails for years. in fact i learned my english from reading your emails. i feel like we are best friends.
who are you?
casey "king of the pillow fight" guo
let's have lunch this thursday at 12.30. i'll meet you at the corner of dzm and second ring road. don't worry if i'm late, because i hate germans.
i'm really into girls making out? who do i have to make out with in order to watch you and "the tsetse fly" make out?
killing a baby,
andy "the long tall carolinian" young
if you make out with ryan's finger, i'll make out with whomever you like
WEEKLY RUMOR THAT MUST BE TRUE:
evil betsy has it on good authority that the pain zahlen "the original" titcomb has been experiencing when he pees has something to do with the so called "missing 8 hours" where he disappeared from the party and he didn't show up again until several points into the foreigner final. by coincidence, ellen "the apartment" wong was also not seen during this time. evil betsy is just saying.
Weekly Rumor Disclaimer: The Weekly Rumor is absolutely and one hundred percent true. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental.
and finally, your moment of zen…
betsy pities the fool who ain’t got a proxy.
catch you on the field,
And then this on 5/18:
betsy was really drunk when she wrote the weekly email this week. and being on jim's sofa didn't help matters much either.
so it is with true regret that she crossed joe's arbitrary line of what's inappropriate for our private frisbee forum. several people have asked betsy this week, "why did joe pull down this week's email?"
good question, and since in matters of censorship it's always best to have clear guidelines, here are some things that joe found offensive:
*"evil betsy loves euphemisms. everyone knows what making donuts means. but now it's time for a new one. from this point forward, beijing ultimate will refer to masturbation as killing a baby."*
"ryan's finger (-10,000): somehow you ended up tao's ass. the mental image that conjures is shudder inducing."
so dead baby jokes are out. so is the use of the word ass, even though it clearly refers to a sturdy mule-like animal. i hope you are not a practitioner of veterinary medicine, because if you are, you will not be allowed to write about your job, like how you had to stick your finger in that ass to check on its teeth.
things that are still okay include small penis jokes and lesbian make out sessions.
hopefully this clears things up. if you have any further questions of what is allowed and not allowed, contact joe. he'll be happy to let you know.betsy
Hey, while we're censoring Betsy and all, how bout we assign her an editor that puts those punctuation marks where they belong, eh? How bout that?
And no, I make no reference to that question mark -- it's fine -- but rather an evergrowing egregious arrogance about her noncompliance with American English. [A really inappropriate comment withheld.]Damn, self-censorship IS the most insidious kind.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
That's how fast the weekend went by: two days, to my subconscious, seemed like one. And throw in a party on Saturday that went much longer than it should have -- with one too many flaming sambuka shots -- and you can see how memories can prove fallible, leaving us nothing to rely on except the word of others, and one another.
Friday, May 14, 2010
That is all.
GOOGLE GROUPS POST OF THE WEEK:
big brother and beijing bang are set to dominate china nationals this year, both on and off the field. what’s their secret? love and compassion. that and all the relentless scoring, stifling defense, and crazy partying.
WEEKLY ITEM #1: The Weekly Schedule
Mondays, Big Brother Practice, 8:00-10:00, Zhichunlu
Wednesdays, Track Workout, 7:30-8:30, Bang Fields near Gulou
Sundays, Big Brother Practice, 12-4, ISB.
there will be no practice this weekend, but big brother will be putting on a clinic at china nationals as they embarrass doc’s team. twice.
WEEKLY ITEM #2: Upcoming Tournaments
May 15-16: China Nationals, Beijing
June 5-6: Shanghai
June 19-20: Chengdu Hat
July 4-10: Worlds in Prague
the scrimmage this sunday between bang and big brother was an epic battle. the game saw scores of 2-2, 7-4, 7-7, 11-12 and 13-12, with big brother narrowly pulling out the win. really, this game had no losers. bang’s zone was tight in the unpredictable wind and forced big brother out of its comfort zone. big brother showed some patience and had some beautiful zone offense points. both teams are ready to bring some championships back to beijing.
betsy saw many sexy things during the game.
jim’s callahan ftw was sexy.
kevin’s layout hammer grab in the endzone was sexy.
bill’s throws were all sexy.
bang’s nine women were sexy.
bang’s four women who played with big brother were sexy.
the wind was sexy.
joe’s policing of the sideline was sexy.
matt’s grey shirt was sexy.
caleb and joel battling deep is sexy.
baby shyu is sexy, but not in a creepy, leering way.
bang’s multiple upwind points were sexy.
ken’s language was both foul and sexy.
the spirit was sexy.
now is the time in the weekly email when betsy gives her weekly shout outs and call outs. remember, you want to get shouted out, but you don't want to get called out.
a shout out to joe. your performance in mini on sunday reminds everyone of why you were once called mini-hulk.
a call out to women everywhere. why are you so few this weekend? was it all the leering last weekend?
a shout out to matt. this week, matt wins the award for being shouted out most often, without even being a member of the group site.
a call out to the chait. maybe if your butt wasn’t so big, you wouldn’t be getting jeff kicked out of parties all the time.
a rare shout to doc. the ultimate frisbee + ultimate fighting championship mashup wins.
a shout out to mad men parties. you are the greatest parties ever. please continue to hold yourselves on a regular basis. that is all.
a call out to nina. high heels plus already tall girl makes tiny guys like jim and joe feel extra insecure. on second thought, carry on.
WEEKLY ITEM #3: MAILBAG
every week, betsy gets a lot of emails inviting her out on dates, complementing her on her leadership skills, asking her ultimate related questions, and wanting to know who she is. the mailbag is where she answers these questions. as always, these are real letters from real readers.
As the self-proclaimed “Godfather of China Ultimate”, I’m very excited to return for China Nationals this year. Is there anything I can help with the logistics or anything?
Can’t wait to catch up!
dear mr. cox,
after leaving beijing with your chinese biddy, many hearts were broken. baijiu chugging became a thing of the past. vomiting at beijing ultimate events plummeted to an all time low. tao became the standard for gentlemenly behavior. it’s not to late to turn that around. the future of beijing ultimate looks to old, wrinkly, relics of the past to show them how it’s done. this is your chance. step up.
Even though i returned to Providence, I read your weekly e-mail all the time. I even go back and read old ones when i’m bored. Which is a lot. Sometimes i share them with my family and friends, or record myself reciting witty passages to use as my ringtone. What i’m trying to say is, keep up the good work. I’m so excited to be back in Beijing this summer!
Missing Beijing and Betsy,
if memory serves, you were the one who brought us this:
your return is eagerly anticipated by all.
and finally, your moment of zen…
11th edition rules clarifications for observers re: penalties for
VIII. Starting and Restarting Play
4. Positioning before the pull:
a) After signaling readiness, players on the pulling team may move anywhere in their end zone, but their feet may not cross the vertical plane of the goal line until the disc is released.
b) After signaling readiness, players on the receiving team must be in contact with the goal line that they are defending without changing location relative to one another.
c) After the disc is released, it is in play and any player may move in any direction.
d) If either team fails to maintain proper positioning before the pull, the other team may audibly announce “off-sides” and a re-pull ensues. The call must be made before any player on the receiving team touches the disc.
e) In games where Observers are used, the Observers may monitor and call offsides as appropriate. The first instance of offsides for each team will result in a warning and a re-pull. After a team has received its warning, any further instances of offsides are treated as follows:
(1) receiving team offsides: receiving team starts with the disc at the midpoint of the end zone they are defending, after players set up and a check is performed.
(2) pulling team offsides: receiving team starts with the disc at midfield, after players set up and a check is performed.
rules clarifications are sexy.catch you on the field,
#15 Jiaodaokou Nan Dajie
We're going to have our World Cup -style draw to determine the Chinese pools at 10 pm. Don't miss it.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
Friday: Yak Tipping
Saturday: Ellen's party and beer pong and Ben Redden's party and Sanlitun
For more on Ellen's party, see Kevin's blog and these pictures from him:
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
Ryan's whiteboard; most of the contributions are from Tao, about Jeff; Jehan later added artistic renderings of Joe and Jeff's conversation.