Friday, November 27, 2009

WEEK IN REVIEW: Ellen's foosball tourney, and Jim

This just in: Boehner and Ellen are really good at foosball, and teamed together, they're unbeatable. The team was 3.5-point favorites in the finals against Michael Chaitkin and Jim, and covered, winning 10-6. The house won 5 kuai over a night of betting (14 total games, though not all saw action), with big-winner Jim leaving with 20 kuai (6 for 6 on bets) and big loser Michael leaving as a sad, decrepit shell of himself, down 15 big ones.

Afterwards we drank and played asshole, a game in which I won six straight times and seven out of eight, including once from the asshole position. (Don't ask if you don't know.) And then things got -- how shall we say? -- a bit out of control. This is all we'll say for now:

An oven broke. Jim did some other stuff.

Consider that a preview of a video to come...



Jeff, you sick, sick man. I had to write this (11/21):

Jeff Orcutt, you play a risky game. When having sex with horses next time, you'll want to

pitch, not catch. Otherwise you place yourself in mortal danger of a perforated colon, which is no laughing matter, as Kenneth Pinyan, otherwise known as Mr. Hands, could tell you... from his grave.

I must also, despite the sensitive disposition of our fair readers, bring to attention the despicable game you have been playing these last four years with the lives of innocent, sentient beings. The other day, during one of my several leisurely Internet browsing sessions, I uncovered a disturbing Seattle Times article documenting your unscrupulous lifestyle and laying bare your degenerate constitution. I quote: "But because investigators found chickens, goats and sheep on the property, they are looking into whether animal cruelty — which is a crime — was committed by having sex with these smaller, weaker animals."

Jeff, you pervert! Horses are one thing, but small, furry, defenseless animals? I... I'm aghast. I'm absolutely shocked beyond words. How sick. How vile! How... how dastardly! You should be ashamed. What your dark, monstrous conscience will tolerate in the basement of your private dwelling is not for us to judge, but to betray your friends and acquaintances by bringing this defilement upon us in the world of virtue and light is unforgivable. How Joe has co-habitated with you all this time is beyond guessing, though we should probably take pity at the horrors -- gross and unfathomable! -- he has repressed in the name of survival!

It will take us years to erase the vestiges of your profanity from our collective consciousness. I beseech you do us the favor of removing yourself from our chaste community at once. Your libido has harmed its last living soul.

Beijing Ultimate Community

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