Friday, May 21, 2010

WEEK IN REVIEW: Post-China Nationals!

The recap of Tianjin Speed's victory over at the China Ultimate blog.


Picture by Dean of CUG Prospectors


Before Betsy got quashed by Joe, here's what she had to say:

betsy fanatics,

you remember how hulk hogan turned to the dark side for a while, and was the biggest villain in all of wcw? but then he came back to the good side? well, the same thing happened to betsy for the past couple months. my manager, patrick "million dollar man" li, decided it would be good marketing if i became good betsy for a while.

it turns out that my manager didn't know what he was talking about. good betsy was not a fan favorite. and good betsy had a lot less sex. i hate good betsy.

this week, in honor of my flirtation with professional wrestling, we'll be using everyone's wrestling name.

welcome back evil betsy.

WEEKLY ITEM #1: The Weekly Schedule

seriously? are you still looking to evil betsy for your weekly schedule? you realize i make this crap up more than half the time? ask alicia "the tsetse fly" lui what the schedule is. she should know.

WEEKLY ITEM #2: Upcoming Tournaments

Jun 5-6: Shanghai
July 4-10: Worlds in Prague

evil betsy loves euphemisms. everyone knows what making donuts means. but now it's time for a new one. from this point forward, beijing ultimate will

refer to masturbation as killing a baby.


WEEKLY ITEM #3 Tournament Recap

It was dark days for beijing ultimate. big brother lost the foreigner bracket for the first time ever. hang time lost in quarters. big brother lost not once, but twice to faber college, including in the final. and evil

betsy had to change allegiances and play with doc "the octogenarian" tobin in order to win the tournament. bad times all around.

some particular lowlights:

losing the party award to doc "the octogenarian" tobin. how could we let this happen? half their team doesn't even drink. this cannot be allowed to happen in shanghai.

sandy "the water cougar" wang making a swilly call that forced us to watch joe "the refrigerator" pellicano and mike "the third wheel" chidfhiaofankjdazxck observe their game against tianjin. i haven't seen observing that bad since chris "boehner" boehner watched me have sex with his mom.

shanghai is three weeks away. everyone better commit to getting ready, or else evil betsy is going to do something drastic and move to kunming. then "the octogenarian" will be forced to move back. this will be bad for everyone concerned.


we're going to do something new with the weekly shout outs and call outs. evil betsy will rank them in order from the most shouted out to the most called out. the scale goes from 1000 to negative infinity. here we go:

rie's nipple (1000): a lot people saw you this weekend, and no one who saw you was disappointed.

jeff "the dude" orcut (999): this was without a doubt the best china nationals yet. well done sir. we have just now dispatched a team to your apartment to knock you out and affix your signature to a life time contract as the tournament coordinator for china nationals.

kelly "the black sheep" yang (500): you worked hard of course, but betsy knows you weren't sincere. you're just trying to make everyone like you, so

you lose some points (whereas jeff gave up on people liking him a long time ago).

mike "the baby-maker" shyu (200): despite being one of the tournament directors, you still found the time to make three new babies over the weekend. one of them with evil betsy (points deducted for the utilitarian nature of the sex).

matt "the SMeagol" mueller (150): it turns out your nipple tastes better than i expected. nice touch with the pink dress.

alicia "the tsetse fly" lui (100): would have been higher, because you obviously worked hard this weekend, but betsy didn't see you smile once the whole time. betsy likes her indentured servants to have a positive attitude.

donald "the curmudgeon" debona (50): you had some awesome stories to share about your time in america. too bad no one could hear you.

joe "the refrigerator" pellicano (-50): there will be no shout outs for you until mini hulk returns.

toni "the homosexual tiger" tao (-100): you worked hard putting together the tournament, but that meant we (and by we, i mean "the tsetse fly") had to put up with your presence for a while longer. now the shunning can begin.

jim "the bafflegabber" kirchhoff (-200): you had the chance to make out with not one, but two different women at the party (age differential of the two prospective make out sessions: 23 years) but instead you wound up in your apt spooning with "the triple H". has evil betsy taught you nothing?

lincoln "the bad apple" cheung (-500): we only made out once. have you turned into a mormon or something? remember that time we had sex on kevin "sleazy rider" reitz' bed while "queen therese" watched? what happened to the good times?

gareth "my forty inch vertical almost makes up for my small penis" marshall (-1000): you coached two teams this weekend: the graduates lost in the semis, and big brother lost china nationals for the first time ever. the good news is the los angeles clippers have a job opening and betsy thinks you are just the man for the job.

doc "the octogenarian" tobin (-5000): i thought we made a deal where we would never have to see each other again, and i wouldn't tell anyone about your weird vegetable sex fantasies.

ryan's finger (-10,000): somehow you ended up tao's ass. the mental image that conjures is shudder inducing.

WEEKLY ITEM #4: Weekly Mailbag

letter #1

dear betsy,

i have read your emails for years. in fact i learned my english from reading your emails. i feel like we are best friends.

who are you?

sincerely curious,
casey "king of the pillow fight" guo

dear kotpf,

let's have lunch this thursday at 12.30. i'll meet you at the corner of dzm and second ring road. don't worry if i'm late, because i hate germans.

evil betsy

letter #2

dear betsy,

i'm really into girls making out? who do i have to make out with in order to watch you and "the tsetse fly" make out?

killing a baby,
andy "the long tall carolinian" young

dear ltc,

if you make out with ryan's finger, i'll make out with whomever you like

evil betsy


evil betsy has it on good authority that the pain zahlen "the original" titcomb has been experiencing when he pees has something to do with the so called "missing 8 hours" where he disappeared from the party and he didn't show up again until several points into the foreigner final. by coincidence, ellen "the apartment" wong was also not seen during this time. evil betsy is just saying.

Weekly Rumor Disclaimer: The Weekly Rumor is absolutely and one hundred percent true. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental.


and finally, your moment of zen…

betsy pities the fool who ain’t got a proxy.

catch you on the field,

    And then this on 5/18:


    betsy was really drunk when she wrote the weekly email this week. and being on jim's sofa didn't help matters much either.

    so it is with true regret that she crossed joe's arbitrary line of what's inappropriate for our private frisbee forum. several people have asked betsy this week, "why did joe pull down this week's email?"

    good question, and since in matters of censorship it's always best to have clear guidelines, here are some things that joe found offensive:

    *"evil betsy loves euphemisms. everyone knows what making donuts means. but now it's time for a new one. from this point forward, beijing ultimate will refer to masturbation as killing a baby."*

    "ryan's finger (-10,000): somehow you ended up tao's ass. the mental image that conjures is shudder inducing."

    so dead baby jokes are out. so is the use of the word ass, even though it clearly refers to a sturdy mule-like animal. i hope you are not a practitioner of veterinary medicine, because if you are, you will not be allowed to write about your job, like how you had to stick your finger in that ass to check on its teeth.

    things that are still okay include small penis jokes and lesbian make out sessions.

    hopefully this clears things up. if you have any further questions of what is allowed and not allowed, contact joe. he'll be happy to let you know.


    Tao's reply:

    Hey, while we're censoring Betsy and all, how bout we assign her an editor that puts those punctuation marks where they belong, eh? How bout that?

    And no, I make no reference to that question mark -- it's fine -- but rather an evergrowing egregious arrogance about her noncompliance with American English. [A really inappropriate comment withheld.]

    Damn, self-censorship IS the most insidious kind.

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