Friday, March 19, 2010

WEEK IN REVIEW: Gearing up for spring

No pictures, nothing. Here's Betsy, who might as well write this blog (she doesn't because she's a slut):

betsy followers,

if betsy were a food, she’d be the awesome blossom.
if betsy were a crayon color, she’d be hot magenta.
if betsy were an emoticon, she’d be [:|] because robots are awesome
and so is curious george depending on what that looks like to you.

WEEKLY ITEM #1: The Weekly Schedule
Every Wednesday, Pick Up, 7-9, BCIS
Every Sunday, Big Brother Practice, Location and Time TDB

watch google groups for updates.

WEEKLY ITEM #2: Upcoming Tournaments

Mar 27-28: Shenzhen Hat
April 3-4: Ningbo Hat
April 17-18: Tianjin Open
April 24-25: Singapore Women and Open
May 1-2: Jeju Gnarly Nines
May 15-16: China Nationals, Beijing
Jun 5-6: Shanghai
July 4-10: Worlds in Prague

in a statistically significant and comprehensive poll conducted this weekend, betsy determined all the awesome people are going to Ningbo for the hat tournament. the theme is star wars. many excellent suggestions for costumes were discussed. a private viewing of spaceballs has been scheduled at ellen’s. thanks jim. let us know the date and time. may the schwartz be with you.

now is the time in the weekly email when betsy gives her weekly shout outs and call outs. remember, you want to get shouted out, but you don't want to get called out.

a shout out to gareth. he ran a great practice this week. next week: more suicides, now with extra death.

a call out to baby girl, shan and jeff. betsy is not impressed by your ability to skirt beijing’s freak weather, yet again. why, she herself was just basking in the ray’s of jim and kevin’s many bromances.

a shout out to friston kuppernickel. the mere fact of betsy acknowledging you should grant her a spot as future queen of the universe, although she doesn’t technically need your help to achieve that.

a call out to the black widow. betsy is watching your every move. if any men from beijing die in the near future, we all know who to come after.

a shout out to ellen. you are clearly hitting your stride. betsy looks forward to next month when ellens string of debauchery and ludicrousness reaches a climax in taos future video, “drunken aisan princess leia does three boba fetts”.


WEEKLY ITEM #3: Betsy's Corner
since betsy doesn't have enough of a platform to share her views and opinions on how awesome she is, betsy’s corner is a place for her to give everyone another piece of her mind. this week, betsy unlocks the secret lives of beijing ultimate men (and the best woman) through the predictive power of anagrams.

Anthony Tao - A Tan? Oh Tony.
this one should be read with a head-shake at the end. tao has long been trying to recapture his “chinese” heritage and often claims he was born in beijing. he is using a spray-on tan to recover that yellow look he lost while in kansas.

Joe Pellicano - Ciao Jello Pen
little known fact about joe: after pez dispensers became popular, he filled a fountain pen with gelatinized raspberry jello. though marketed well, it never caught on and was an epic failure. eyes filled with tears, he said goodbye to his pen.

Kevin Reitz – Trizine Kev
kevin is special. his pores exude a natural essence that, when used as an ointment and applied liberally to the extremities, makes you boring on friday nights.

James Kirchoff- He Affirms Jock
yes, yes he does.

Jeffery Orcutt - Reject Ruff Toy
he’s really just a soft, fluffy teddy bear. if you approach him with a ruff toy, betsy predicts he will reject it. now the only thing left is to test the theory. any volunteers?

Gareth Marshall - Thermal Gal Rash
sandy doesn’t know about this. don’t tell her.

Andrew Moffat - Def Woman Fart
if you ask him about it, he’ll pretend it is nothing, but betsy knows the truth. baby girl only fears two things: confined spaces and being stuck in one with a deaf woman.

Zahlen Titcomb - Came Hot Blintz
one time, zahlen invited everyone over for breakfast, and he promised to whip up something special, something he made himself. everybody enjoyed it and to this day, he never divulged his secret recipe.

Michael Chaitkin - Iceman Hail Thick
when michael was a wee-tot, he wanted to be a super-hero. his mommy asked who he wanted to be. he replied, “the iceman! because iceman hail thick…” but he fell asleep before he finished his sentence. in his defense, he was pretty tuckered out from watching a pinwheel marathon.

Betsy Beijing - Big Teeny Jibs
all the boys love betsy’s big teeny jibs.

chris boehner has been missing from the beijing ultimate scene recently. he cites a combination of his dedication to music, teaching schedule, and desire to “immerse himself” in chinese. betsy assumed this was all non-hilarious until she re-read the last sentence with the part in quotes. now she knows what he means by “immersing
himself”. watch out, ladies of beijing bang. betsy is looking at you, kelly. you’ve been warned.

Weekly Rumor Disclaimer: The Weekly Rumor is absolutely and one hundred percent true. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental.


and finally, your moment of zen…

betsy pities the fool who ain’t got a proxy.

catch you on the field,

1 comment:

  1. Who is this Betsy? Why does she want to be my Queen? My future government will be controlled solely by myself, the philosopher king, and my rein will be benevolent and fruitful.

    But more importantly, who is this Black Widow? She sounds intriguing. I may have need of someone with her talents in my cabinet of super beings. Please put her in touch with me.

    That is all
    -Dr. K