Sunday, July 3, 2011

The return of Betsy

Because nothing that Betsy does escapes this blog:

July 2:

all who mourned the passing of betsy,

rejoice. she has not forgotten her multitude of adoring worshipers. she is always watching you. she was watching when you owned tianjin. she was watching the all big brother finals at china nationals. and yes, she was watching when you destroyed everything there was to destroy at shanghai. like all great masters, betsy too knows when to release her people, so they can spread their wings and grow, unencumbered.

but now. she’s back. and she's already seen ginny’s penis. she threw up a little.

WEEKLY ITEM #1: The Weekly Schedule

Every Wednesday, Pick Up, 8-10, Zhi Chun Lu

Saturday July 2, Summer League Hat Tournament, Beijing Chaoyang Sports Fitness and Leisure Park, Clinic from 12-1pm, games from 1-5pm. 50RMB. Van leaves from DZM at 11am.

happy valley fields are no more. see tao’s e-mail for a complete explanation of what sam did to the fields last saturday night, rendering no other option for the city of beijing but demolition by fire. it was legendary.


WEEKLY ITEM #2: Upcoming Tournaments

Aug 25-30: Pyongyang Hat, North Korea

Sept 17-18: Singapore Ultimate Open

Oct 22-23: Hong Kong

Nov 25-27: Manila Spirits

pyongyang hat, also known as “the tao, alicia, and kevin elope hat”, will be your best chance to do something worthwhile with your life. think about it.


now is the time in the weekly email when betsy gives her weekly shout outs and call outs. remember, you want to get shouted out, but you don't want to get called out.

a shout out to ginny. not since joe and jeff’s drunken “adventures” has a penis been exposed for so long in full view of fellow big brother players. not even jim or tao qualify, as nina and alicia can confirm.

a call out to sam. some dating tips from betsy: start hitting on girls your own age, don’t bother them while they are working, and if they are brandishing a weapon, it’s best to move on. she just wasn’t that into you.

a shout out to chad. keep this up and maybe big brother will let canada host the 4th of july sometime.

a call out to christian. betsy still can't believe you didn't catch that. you will remain called out until you invent a time machine, go back, and teach yourself to catch your d's.

a shout out to tao. as the second best writer in the group, betsy would like to commend you on your short story, in which you portray our best writer, besty, doing awesome stuff with fire.

a call out to peach. if anyone is going to send sexy, sexy e-mails to junior high kids, it is going to be mike shyu. you’ve been warned. keep it clean, or keep it on the da ge fei pan list.

a shout out to loveseat. loveseat’s inaugural performance proved, once and for all, that everything is better without jeff. except betsy’s bed. after lincoln got crabs, she’s been lonely.

a call out to crabs. besty’s not done with you. she has a flamethrower and knows how to use it.

a shout out to big brother. great job at shangahi. betsy is honored to be called the most important thing that has and will ever happen to beijing, as well as an inspiration to all and the pinnacle of excellence. she knows you couldn’t have done it without her, and humbly acceptance responsibility for everything good in the world.


WEEKLY ITEM #3: Betsy's Corner

since betsy doesn't have enough of a platform to share her views and opinions on how awesome she is, betsy’s corner is a place for her to give everyone another piece of her mind. this week, betsy unlocks the truths and secrets of big brother through the infallible tool of anagramination. next week: possibly more!

William Perry – Warm Ripe Lily

has ginny every told you the story of how he lost his virginity in a flower shop? spoiler, it wasn’t with a girl.

Michael Doc Tobin – Condom Beat Chili

has michael tobin ever tell you about the time he tried to invent a new version of rock/paper/scissors? condom beat chili, chili beat ass, and ass beat condom. he knows this all from experience.

Barbara O’Connell – Barnacle Bra Loon

has Barbara ever told you about the time she worked as a waitress in a pirate-themed seafood joint, and a bird flew by and snatched her bra? betsy thinks you probably just had to be there.

Peach Eileen Regan – Enrage Penile Ache

had any of you prude little sissies actually attended peaches naked party, you would already know this story. betsy was there, of course, and let’s just say the aching will continue for quite some time.

Chad Hensler – Hardens Lech

has chad ever told you about the time he worked briefly as on a porn set, as a fluffer for a norwegian dude named lech?

Ingrid Akerlind – Drained Girl Ink

has Ingrid ever told you about the time she drained girl ink? it pays surprisingly well.

Alex Ornik - Relax Oink

alex fucks pigs sometimes.



a group of merrymakers descended on great leap friday night, where drunk joe made a rare appearance. goaded by ginny, db, dray, and tory, joe was sent into a tailspin of narcoleptic, mindmelting bizarrity when gareth handed him a traffic cone. betsy knows never to give drunk joe any props, let alone a traffic cone. nunchucks? sure. fire extinguisher? why not. but gareth apparently did not get the memo. what transpired could push linguistics to the very meniscus of explanation, but suffice it to say this traffic cone witnessed and felt things no cone should ever have to. by the end of the night, it was reduced to a traffic quivering-at-the-nightmarish-insanity-perpetrated-on-itself cone.

Weekly Rumor Disclaimer: The Weekly Rumor is absolutely and one hundred percent true. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental.


and finally, your moment of zen…

yes tao, besty was watching that too.

catch you on the field,

Tao's reply, 7/3:

Betsy! You ... changed your font, you scrofulous fuckslut.

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