Friday, January 9, 2009

Beijing Ultimate Welcomes You

A belated welcome to all past, present, and future visitors to the Beijing Ultimate Frisbee community.

We'd like to take this opportunity to encourage you to visit Beijing Ultimate's official site, BeijingUltimate.com, and state that the views and commentary expressed here are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of anybody, except when prefaced with the word "seriously."

If you have any questions about this site, Frisbee, or China, please consult the following FAQ.

Q: What is Ultimate Frisbee?
A: Magic alligator tongues that make peaches grow really, really big.

Q: What kind of people play Ultimate?
A: More or less the best people in the world.

Q: Ultimate sort of has the reputation, Ultimate players, a little bit of hippie -- hippie side, you know what I'm saying? -- some of the players. Test that out -- have you heard of any of these three items: Dave Matthews, flip-flops, or wheat bread?

A: You're an idiot.

Q: How do I join the community?

A: We're all very nice, socially adjusted people, but you'll have a tough time joining us without a valid passport and visa, which can be obtained from a Chinese embassy before your departure for Beijing, China. And again, that's Beijing, not Shanghai, not Hong Kong, not Singapore -- which isn't even in China -- and not Kunming, Yangshuo, Guangzhou, or any other place that's not spelled B-E-I-J-I-N-G, however awesome those places may be. We cannot stress this enough. After you arrive in Beijing, walk around Dongzhimen until you find a) an obviously drunker-than-he-should-be foreigner mumbling about how he can't believe he just took that last shot, b) someone walking with a disc, c) Shaanxi Noodle House (陕西面馆), or d) an abnormally tall Asian with green skin and fangs. That's Shen. Don't worry, he won't bite -- but if you're worried, email one of us listed on the side panel and we'll prepare his muzzle in advance of your arrival.

Q: Can you score me some pot?
A: Yes. No.

Q: What is your drink of choice?
A: Baijiu. We only ask that you ask for it by name: baijiu. If we ignore you at first, it's because we actually require you to ask for it three times, as in: may I have some baijiu baijiu baijiu? The more times you ask, the more we'll like you. Especially five minutes later.

Q: Do you use the serial comma?
A: On this site, yes I do -- unless I don't, in which case, I guess not.

Q: Why do you sometimes write in third-person plural?
A: Believe it or not, humility.

Q: I've heard the Beijing Ultimate community is transsexual. Is this true?

A: I think you mean "transient."

Q: I'm a girl with two college- to young-professional-aged sisters, and we're all considering a move to Beijing, but we're a little concerned that as Caucasian women in a strange community we'll be excessively ogled and harassed and, frankly, taken advantage of. You guys won't try to, like, impregnate us, will you?
A: Don't worry about it, we're all pretty sterile.

Q: I'm a guy who's been a bit down on my luck in the romance department. Are there single, attractive girls within the Beijing Ultimate Frisbee community who won't blow me off just because I'm a little awkward around the edges?
A: Yes. But if you're a white male, allow me to speak for the entire Asian male population when I say STAY THE $#@% AWAY.

Q: Hi, my name is David Marriott, also known as...
A: Yes, I know you. You're my first murder victim.

Q: Are you guys any good?

A: The club team Big Brother is eager to improve on its second-place finish at the 11th annual Pan-Asia Ultimate Frisbee tournament in Hong Kong (video here), Air Kazak is the reigning China Nationals champion, Beijing Bang's so sexy they'll make you swoon, and Hang Time has some of the best-spirited players this side of Middlebury. But, hey, if that's not good enough for you, you can always do shuttlecock.

Q: Are you guys any fun?
A: That depends on your definition of fun. If you enjoy sports, the outdoors, good food, cheap entertainment, live bands, jokes, human social bonding, beer, dressing up and winning parties, travel, adventure, and general amusement, then yes, I suppose we're alright in that category. If you prefer discussing the merits of realized eschatology as popularized by C.H. Dodd, well, actually, we can do that too. Or maybe a good goat-milking is your idea of fun, in which case, we can probably find a goat somewhere and, you know, do it together. Are there any limits? Well, let me just put it this way: modern cosmology has more or less proven that the universe is infinitely expanding.

But seriously, come join us. Or at least continue checking this blog to find out all the fun you're missing.

After the weekend we'll continue our week-long blog-launch party with Betsy Appreciation Week.

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