Wednesday, January 21, 2009


Full name: Kevin James Reitz
Chinese name: Wen Jun 文君 (Cultured Gentleman)
Nickname: MuskaBeatz

Birthday: January 7, 1978
Gender: Unknown
Hometown: Elmhurst, Illinois, USA
College: Colorado '02
Major: Geophysics and Spanish
Occupation: Engineer

Siblings: Yes
Parents: Yes
Offspring: No

China Ultimate teams: Big Brother, Beijing Bang

Primary position on the field: Handler
Primary position in life: Mid

Likes: Fine rum, good music, travel.
Dislikes: Veal tendon, impatience, baijiu.

Website: Kevin's Dim Summary (blog); Jiva Train (band)

Start in Frisbee: Introduced to a no-rules, backyard version of Frisbee in 1996, then Ultimate four years later. In 2006 his co-ed team in Boulder, Colorado -- Boomslang -- qualified for Regionals. Two years later they would all be dead. Picnic, lightning.

Fun fact that may or may not be true: Kevin took a year off from college to work at the Boulder Theater box office, where his efforts to hide his incandescent dancing skills were quickly foiled when a recruiter from 3rd Law Dance/Theater spied him executing the steps to Noverre's Medea and Jason while sweeping ticket stubs. To this day citizens of Boulder say they have never seen anyone pull an entrechat quite like Messrs. Reitz, as he is known in those parts.

More info: Kevin chose to attain Colorado residency to take advantage of cheaper tuition rates.

In one of his phases, Kevin took off school to spend six months in Spain, where he immersed himself in the nightlife while enjoying the "relaxed attitude of the people" and loose women. "We would go out for dinner at midnight and stay out until breakfast routinely" with six, seven, even nine of these succulent little whores, Kevin said. At once, we can only imagine.

These women in the pictures below are not the sort he hung out with but may work as an approximation for the lecherous among us, within us:

Kevin being checked out; picture via Pia Ybanez

We don't want to mis-characterize, however. Kevin is a self-proclaimed "boyfriend, not playboy," and he's got his Chinese name to prove it, bestowed upon him by Deseree and Carol, two girls from his harem of platonic female friends. He's also been an integral part of the community since Day 1, owing to his immense likability and social skills. Just look at that picture on the right -- how can you resist going up to him and tousling the hair, offering a high-five and Way to go, champ!?

When he's not working as a project manager for US/Grant Technologies or playing Ultimate, Kevin enjoys rocking the drums, gagging on baijiu, and receiving lap dances -- in other words, always being the perfect gentleman. Cultured.

Lightning round!

Beijing Ultimate: Peanut butter or jelly?
Kevin Reitz: Peanut butter.

BU: Box of nails or tungsten lightbulb?
KR: Nails!

BU: Mercury thermometer or sulphuric rain?
KR: Sulphuric rain.

BU: Thai or Chinese?
KR: Chinese. Unless we're talking about food.

BU: Have you dated any American girls in China?
KR: Not yet. I haven't been dating here much, just making friends.
BU: Laying the foundation. Nice.
KR: Indeed. The more friends you make, the more doors that open up.
BU: Truer words have rarely been uttered on g-chat.

KR: Ew, I hate that sentence construction: "the more that something... the more that something else."
BU: There are grosser things in life.
KR: Cheers, mate.

POSTSCRIPT: Kevin would like you to know there's a short, obscure, quasi-famous literary reference embedded in this post. Find it and he'll lend you one of the women out of his harem of platonic friends for a date.

No comments:

Post a Comment